Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My liver just had a heart attack.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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