im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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