oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Randomize
