What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
