You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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