I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Dicks are not precious.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
