apparently the secret to your success is patron
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
