ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
We are two peas in an std pod
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
