Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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