remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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