I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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