How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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