you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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