someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Randomize
