I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
