i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
