Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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