I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
