it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize