My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
