i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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