seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
