ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
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I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
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The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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