My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
