I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
