Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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