What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
