The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
jump out the window naked night went bad
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
