Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
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He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
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I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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