my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
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We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
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I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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