Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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