so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
