I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
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I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
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i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it