I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
