1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
