my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
