I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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