So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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