if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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