I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
