I faked an abortion last night.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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