i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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