you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
