I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
