i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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