I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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