But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize