then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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