My Higher Power is John Stamos
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
