my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
