My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
