So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
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At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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