went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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