so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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