If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
