I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
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I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
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What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
3 2 1 whiskey
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize