Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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