If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
