Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
